My friend Gracie *the gear grinder* asked me a couple of days ago why I haven't updated. I haven't updated because my move home has been exactly what I predicted. I predicted loneliness, anger, frustration, laughter, tears, fights, repression, prejudice, laughter, stress and wishing to be somewhere else. Just that.
One of my new year's resolutions was to try and adapt myself to family life and my parents. They are still very much molded to what they were back in Panama... a lot hasn't changed, and what is different are things that I wish hadn't changed. I have a hard time hearing criticism about sexual orientation and other things I am not comfortable writing here, so I have started to talk back. Newsflash: we are in the year 2009, you live in a blue state AND we live in the USofA -- we HAVE been here for 7 years (not 4 months) and I WISH you would open your eyes and see the world and people for who they are on the inside.
I also wish my dad would start looking at what he's doing to me, to my brother, mother, sister... he's achieving something no father should achieve in their lifetime: alienating their own family. IT IS SO HARD TO LIVE WITH HIM. I can't imagine a weekend at home in the past 4 years where my father hasn't decided he will ruin it all. Be it the diabetes, or just the fact that hes --as he says-- "old" he has NO right to yell, insult and scream at us whenever he feels like it. Please --if you are reading this-- don't get me wrong. My dad is a great man, he has ideals, he is smart and kind and loving and organized and he has given us EVERYTHING (he likes to put is as: I have given you every penny in my paycheck for as long as I remember). It is all true. I love him and I wish I could sit down with him and just talk openly about plans and things I wish to do with the next 15 years of my life... but that's just not an option, because you have no idea when exactly he will snap at you. All I hear when he's around is the screams. All I have seen when he's around for the past few weeks has been his long, stern, disgusted face. I feel horrible to even type this, but today I thought about how awesome it is when he is away on business trips and how much I hate it when he comes back. There. I hate myself, but I thought about it.
DAD: We are GOOD kids and my mom is an AMAZING mom. If you keep doing what you are doing we will all walk away sooner than you think. Stop and stare... you are ruining it all.
In other news... I found out today that secrets REALLY don't make friends. My best friend in the whole world lied right to my face (well, my ear, because we were on the phone). I don't know what to do and I haven't been this hurt since September 10th, 2008. If you are reading this: I don't know how you can fix it, so don't ask.
I have been hangin' out with Leslie, Rankal, and Anton. Today we went to a movie and dinner. It was refreshing and very much needed. I also rekindled an old friendship with Jaala, someone whom I've missed dearly and needed back in my life. I am trying to make ammends with the people/things that I feel I need to make ammends with, I am trying to grow. I am also trying really hard to get used to the idea that I won't have a job for a few more weeks. It's very difficult. I can't wait for that teacher to have her baby so that I can start working and getting to know students and be challenged one more time... but I also don't want to go out and find a job for 4 weeks because that's just ridiculous. I am having a hard time adjusting and convincing myself of the fact that Boulder is no longer a part of my life, and that I CAN'T just go there every day any day...
I miss my Karli a lot. I wish we hadn't fallen victim to obligations and I wish we had spent a bit more time together before I moved out.
I am grateful for my sister, my loving selfless sister... I don't know what I would do without you. I am so sorry for what I did a few days ago and I am so glad you forgave me. I think I took it all out on you, but you don't deserve it.
I miss mister Gonzalez.
I need a haircut.
peace.
miss bee
I am grateful for your honesty and and willingness to expose yourself. Keep us updated and even though you can't come up here EVERYday you can still come up a lot if you want :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU
*hug*
ReplyDeleteWow, sounds like you've had a tumultuous several weeks! I can totally sympathize with the whole living-with-the-fam-again thing. There are so many complex emotions involved, and it's not always good feelings all around. Just know that it is completely okay to feel the things you feel about your family. I think it's important not to beat yourself up over what you feel, because it's totally valid. I have the same kinds of feelings toward my mom, and sometimes I feel like a total asswipe for even thinking some of the things I think about her. But it's all good; we're all just humans interacting, and human interaction is never simple :)
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're having such a rough time, though. Things will get better!
Besotes y abrazotes!
eliza